Updated: May 24
I understand that these blogs do not yet make sense in any particular order. Intermittent has been the story of my world. Intermittent is the context within my book.
This is how life has been presented to me. In thoughts and extreme feelings that are convicted to change with the setting and rising of day. Each feeling was subsequently altered when delivered with a blow from another toxic event. However, some of those feelings remain forever.
The first subject I was led to tackle was my ability to feel my feelings. As with all, I suppose, I did not believe this was a subject upon which I needed any direction. I knew what I felt when I felt it and, quite often, so did the world around me. I would have said that I wore my heart on my sleeve. It would have been true.
Learning that I was codependent came with the need for me to accept that someone in my world who was responsible for my development was not present. I thought about this for a strangely long time while I continued to do more research. Each time my mind was returned to this subject. Sometimes while my learning was taking place and others when I was alone with my own thoughts.
Alone with my thoughts I understood. I understood that my desire to dance was related to the music which had become my crutch. My lifeline which I had unintentionally developed while I was alone with my own thoughts.
I understood that my ability to write came from that same place. I used to have books of poetry that have been lost to time. The results of each poem came from writing, editing and rewriting until I was satisfied that the words reflected my heart.
What I hadn't learned was that the feelings that these passions evoked were the result of an absence. Anytime I had been asked to describe my relationship with my father, this was the word I would use. He was absent. This connection returned me to the events that I needed to examine to find my codependent characteristics and pull me from the lonely place where I stood.
I didn't know that I was lonely, but I was. I still struggle with this topic today. Acknowledging my feelings, taking time to discern what each feeling was and how it was presented within my body takes patience and leaves room for error.
To say just yet that I completely recognize my feelings would still be untrue. Something, however, that I did first recognize was the excess of negativity in my world. Situations would leave me thinking, something about this just isn't right. But why?
What I have arrived at is the decision to remove any negativity from my circle. To withdraw from that which leaves me asking 'Wait, what?'
Maybe I'll, invite these people back in and maybe I won't. I like that the decision is ultimately mine to make.
I hear you,
LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE and then
🔔 CLICK the bell 🔔
as soon as a new blog is posted
YOU will be the first to know