Having fallen away from posting on this blog has been the result of a very long painful migraine. During this period of sensory deprivation, I found myself thinking about my attitude. I need you to hear me say that I do not have one. I welcome people to understand that this is me taking everything that’s going on inside my head, spelling it out, and hoping, at some point, to bring myself closer to any sort of sanity.
This far I have learned that I have Attention Deficit Disorder which I believe I’ve had all my life. I have learned that I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I expect that each disorder conflicted with the other and left me in doubt about my feelings.
Most recently, I have discovered that I also have Self Love Deficit Disorder.
Imagine, if you will, starting your life from this position. Imagine what it would do to an infants experience. Things weird, wonderful and wounding.
I have learned that all of these things truly are things that I have been fighting against my whole life, yet, I had absolutely no idea what these things were and how each one masked parts of another.
Because of these deficiencies, I experienced traumas of so very many different nature‘s. How they happened, and who’s responsible, I suppose is my own task. But, the multiple traumas added CPTSD to this equation.
Thinking back on my childhood, when I hope to tie some, or all, of these events together, I’ve reached the conclusion that I am the perfect source of strength for those who have Narcissistic tendencies. I am the whipped cream, nuts, sprinkles and cherry on the top of the proverbial sundae.
I’m not happy that I’m a magnet. I cannot begin to tell you how many things I have learned that I, so truly, wish I had not learned but, learned them, I have, nonetheless.
I am not here to point fingers, or to place blame. I am here, in this blog, and in my books to sort this all out, to take the chaos that happens inside my head, write it down, sort it out, and arrive at a place near the sanity that I would have had, had I not started my life with three deficits.
The biggest fact of all right here is that a narcissist does not know that they are a narcissist. Therefore, how can one place blame on anybody in particular for any of the clutter that narcissistic abuse has put me through. I can’t. Am I angry with all of these people? Absolutely. Will I calll them out on it? Absolutely. Will I expect, in return, a kind response? Absolutely not.
Right now, I would truly like to let go of trying to explain things that do not yet even make sense to me. I would like to get back to my migraine.
It is a Highly Sensitive response to visual stimulation and maybe also to the ADDs difficulty processing more than one topic at a time. It’s a warning that my SLDD is keeping me behind the veil. And a reminder that CPTSD has its own responses to so very many imperceptible stimuli.
I hear you,
PS 😊 Imagine what its like to be inside this cluttered, creepy, confused and playful mind.
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