Updated: May 24
In chapter one, I make my first reference to the laugh. It is one commonality that I just can not explain. Once it's been heard and recognized for what it is, it will never be forgotten.
I heard it first when I was young. A relative laughed this way. It's a loud howl followed by subsequent hahahas. Obviously, I was accustomed to hearing it since I had heard it from the beginning of my days.
At first, I recognized it as being dismissive. At that age I wouldn't have assigned it a word that I didn't yet understand. All I can say is that I felt it. Being on the feeling side of this, which is the only side I know, I felt hurt. I felt unheard and diminished of my thoughts and feelings. Reduced, I suppose.
I was too young to know what I should or should not have felt so I held onto the feeling and, any time we were together, I tried to piece together the things that I had said or the way that I had behaved and that laugh. In time I learned to watch my cousins and question their circumstances. From there, it became a lifelong riddle.
Now, too, this gives rise to the fact that, at an early age, I began spending a lot of time inside my own mind. This is a subject that will give rise later in my writings.
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