Updated: May 24
My immediate family is riddled with Narcissism, in my own humble opinion. A mother and a sister. Also a second sister who is probably rather high on the Narcissistic scale, so I believe. The bottom line here is that Narcissism has controlled my world from the moment I was born.
From my first breath I was perceived as an annoyance. I don’t remember anything else from my youth except feelings of detachment and indifference.
I know, through a home video, that my older sibling would often push me down when I was learning to walk. I suppose that would not be unheard of as I imagine some older children would have behaved in the same way. The difference, though, was the reactions from the adults in my world.
In the video, most parents would perhaps laugh a bit but then instantly correct the older child. That didn’t happen in this video. Nor did it happen during the viewing of that scene.
The room was full of Aunts, Uncles, Parents, Grandparents and cousins. Everyone echoed the chant “and there she goes” while the older sibling exerted her dose of dominance. They all laughed while, in the video, I stood still with a naked expression in my eyes.
My aunts have a laugh that is exceptionally loud and dismissive. A loud howl followed by a couple of ha has. Of the 5 children in that family, the oldest three shared that laugh. During this video they shared their laughs with the whole room.
I think that I should have had an emotional response but I didn’t. I felt numb. This was an opportunity for examination but nothing more.
I’ve had many years to ponder this situation and I’ve come to know the vacant look in my eyes as being the result of if a feeling of absence. Looking back now I’m noticing that there was a lot of absence in my life.
This was the beginning of my struggle to understand why I was different. I knew that I was because I didn’t have the emotional reactions that the people around me were having.
When one decides that something about who they are is not quite right, one retreats into their own mind to observe and understand what that difference might be. And one does not leave those thoughts until the question is answered.
At 53 I stumbled into The Human Magnet Syndrome written by Dr Ross Rosenberg , M.Ed., CAD/CAM, Psychotherapist, Author, Educator. From there I was then led to Lisa Romanos vlogs and meditations. I had finally found an answer. At least, mostly. Codependency.
There was still one more element which I learned later from Dr Elaine N Aaron, Ph.D, which indicates that I am an HSP. I can build from here.
Today there is a feeling inside my heart that reminds me that all of the people that should have loved me tolerated me when all I wanted was to be loved.
I hear you,
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