Updated: May 24
As numb as I still was, nothing had really changed on that front, I knew that the opportunity to work for my lessons was a privilege.
At first, with only one 4 hour night, I could earn 1/2 lesson per week. I took lessons every week, so, per month, my lesson cost was reduced to half.
One does not need feelings to wrap their head around the financial advantage. One needs a mind capable of processing thought and thought alone.
When it came to things financial, I knew unthinkingly, that my ex would be content and, of course, he was.
I knew that I would not incur any travel expense because I could book my lesson on a day when I would already be there to work, anyway. It was the same drive there and the same drive home.
It also took me out of home for 5 hours each week which was much longer than the 45 minute lesson, including 15 minutes travel each way. It was a win-win in my mind.
I so strongly wish that I could bring my reader to understand the emptiness and fulfillment of not feeling anything, at all. It is a coping strategy that women who are exposed to any sort of violence are forced into. When people say “He did it because you let him.” that’s untrue, at times. I didn’t let him. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t adopt a judgment.
I was fine. I know folks use that expression excessively but, I suppose, in this odd incident, it was true. I was fine. I wasn’t happy so I was fine in that respect. I wasn’t angry so I was also fine in that respect, as well.
I observed. Hmmm. I guess maybe that is what numb might resemble to the neurotypical mind.
I’ll keep trying and will find the exact words, in time. For now, I observed.
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