Updated: Jun 9
This subject is taking more time to digest than, I think, has taken many of the other things I’ve needed to learn and remember.
I’m not stupid.
Here and now with a blank screen as a medium, I am completely convinced this particular statement is true. I’m not stupid.
If I think back on life, everything I have ever said or done has been met with question and judgement. I am accustomed to the questions why? How come? Why not? et al. I am also accustomed to the tone of voice a N uses to insinuate things that are not actually ever heard.
For example, if I were to say…
Me: It’s a beautiful day.
The response from someone who is higher on the N scale would be…
N: of COURSE it is.
The tone of voice used in that response
‘of COURSE it is’, the word COURSE being emphasized, insinuates that everybody who is anybody is already aware and in agreement.
This unspoken ‘sensation’ leaves me wondering what is it that’s wrong with me? Am I just discovering this now? This, then, leaves me with a wait, what? moment
The insinuation in the voice minimizes the recognition of the days beauty to a ridiculous statement of which the rest of the world already knows as truth.
How is it that one simple phrase spoken by one simple N evokes such confusion within one conversation? ‘Of COURSE it is’ invites one, any neurotypical person, to re-examine the contents of their statement. How am I left feeling dismissed simply by the intonation of a response?
Some Ns never come right out and say ‘you’re stupid’ because using direct words like that would give the other person recourse. Deliberately not saying words is part of the game.
When words wouldn‘t work for the N, I found that the N makes fun of me and then laughs about it loudly and shamingly. It feels like, the more hurt I appear, the harder and louder the laughter.
Aaaagh haha. This laugh alone is hurtful and diminishing. This laugh sends shivers up my spine. It breeds anxiety. There is no ‘come back’ to that laugh. Silencing and feeling shamed is the desired outcome and will serve to escalate the laughter.
One of the N in my world enjoyed when her man reduced me in this way. Her philosophy was then to be the first person to comfort me afterward. After waiting quietly and laughing among the others, this was her way of setting herself apart from the Ns.
That tone is what they use to minimize me without even saying a word and leaving me to believe that something must be wrong with me. I must be stupid.
The tone of voice, both stern and incontroversible, while accentuating the word HAVE, diminishes anyones desire to pose question. To pose question, because I have tried, evokes an anger that diminishes me even more.
I recognize that, as of late, I have been delivering rants and I’m understanding that they have a place in this entire process. I hope to try backing off some and putting my feelings into words as opposed to anger. This will no doubt breed anxiety. But, then, what about who I’ve been does not do that already.
I hear you,
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