Updated: Jul 6
I was out having dinner with a friend and, for the first time, in as long as I can remember, I think I truly found an inner peace, at least, within those moments. All of the things that usually keep my mind stirring just weren’t there anymore. We talked, we ate and then we went to not talking at all.
Often, I ask my friends what’s on their minds and, equally as often, they tell me nothing. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around that answer.
My mind used to operate constantly. There was never a moment when something wasn‘t weighing on my mind. Perhaps, I was confused. Maybe, I had mentioned something specific which had happened between me and my N and they had responded by telling me they didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m left wondering ‘did it really happen’? It must have, how else would I now be remembering.
Perhaps, my N has gone off about how the sky could not possibly be the color that I believe it is. I’m left thinking ’is that true’? Am I really that naive?
Perhaps, we’ve done the ‘where should we go to eat‘ dance. I say burgers, he says nah. I say pizza and he says I had that yesterday. He then says, we can go wherever you want, just name it, when I begin to appear frustrated. I say steak he says too expensive. I say Chinese, he says I’m not in that mood. I say ‘we’re not going out, are we? He says ‘wherever you want, just tell me where?’ Alone, this individual discussion could appear to be somewhat normal. Reliving this conversation consistently over 30 years makes it feel controlling and manipulative.
I did not realize nothing is true to most people.
My world has been so very conflicted that I have never had a moment in which to allow my mind to take a break. I have been constantly waiting for the ‘next shoe’ to drop; the next confusion which would be buried under deceit. The gaslighting, even though, I couldn’t have given it that name, back then.
Through a lifetime of defending myself from the people who intruded in my world, I was mentally distracted and confused and afraid of all of the feelings those words create inside a person.
I have never felt ‘nothing’ before. I realized, as it was happening, that something was very oddly, but, greatly, different for me.
Is this it? Is my healing complete? It feels like the path of N abuse is coming to its end. It also feels that I am going to have to work, forever, to keep this feeling alive In myself. Is this the last step?
I can not wait for all of my fellow magnets to feel this, also. I hope you will all tell me when you do. Comment below, please?
It’s too soon for me to predict what will come next but I’m curious, now, to find out.
I hear you,
deMichelle.net deMichelle Writes on Facebook or
deMichelle, also on Facebook
deMichelle.net on Spaces app
LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE and then
🔔 CLICK the bell 🔔
as soon as a new blog is posted
YOU will be the first to know
When you purchase, please provide an honest ‘review‘ of the book. The quantity of reviews really does matter.