Did I stay too long

With my birth family?

That‘s a difficult question to answer. I was 22 when I got married and, then, moved out of the house so I don’t believe that I lived with them any longer than necessary. By then, the damage had already been done. I did keep them in my life every day from there -on though. Or, perhaps they made a point of keeping me in theirs, I can’t be sure. I suppose what that means to me was, since I was married to a N without having known, I was now, also under the N control of the people from my past.

With my ex?

Yes, definitely. It has taken me 9 years to get to a place where I see things for what they once were.

It is a place, now, where I am questioning whether staying in the marriage would have taught my son the importance of pushing forward? Pushing onward, even when the obstacles are insurmountable. Or, had I taught him that it was ok to treat women with less respect than they deserve and to motivate children by using violence?

Did I teach my daughter about understanding and respecting the differences between two people, or did I teach her that it was ok to accept abuse in her own relationships.

I don’t suppose I will know the answers to those questions any time soon. At least, not until I’m able to accept and resolved the feelings that have brought me to this point. It’s been a long slow journey making it this far into my recovery. There is, still, quite a bit more to tackle.

With dance?

I am proud to say that I recognized what I was up against and decided I wasn’t going to hang around and let myself be her punching bag. It took me no time to arrive at the decision that I wouldn’t be next. I’m not completely sure that I had the courage to follow through with my plan.

After this, however, I witnessed Paris become a person of ultimate and incontroversible control. Voicing enough anger loudly enough to discourage anyone who might challenge her. This was, in my own opinion, N at it’s extreme. The only way to win with a N is to not fight at all.

With my BFF?

Absolutely. I had begun to question her motives right around the same time that I left my marriage. I can’t help but wonder if the two situations were somehow interrelated. While I couldn’t assign the situation a name, I knew that something between us was very wrong.

Why did I choose spring of 2018 to end things? I was dating someone who saw and understood all of the behaviors I had been questioning and validated my feeling. He supported my decision and, validation apparently, was, really, all that I had ever really needed.

I can honestly say that I did the best I could have done considering the hand I’d been dealt.

I hear you!



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