These days, I’m finding it difficult to dig way down deep and pull up the feelings that have been stuffed so very far down for so very long, now. I remembered having heard someone say Write what you know. So I suppose it does make sense for me to speak about what it is I’m going through now.
Out and about with a friend this past weekend I had a serious panic attack. We were on our way to have lunch which I was genuinely looking forward to but, I made the entire trip about me and my issues because I flipped out. I flipped out because the bank had taken money from an account, account E, that I had not specifically said they could. I had directed that transaction to another account, account C, and I did not have any reason to believe that the funds were going to come from any other place than that one account. But, it did!
I have been busting my ass lately to get a hold of my financial situation and to have the money that I need in the right place to pay whatever automatic payment is coming up next. This month, I was convinced that I had done exactly that. The second account E, was set up with just enough money to cover my automatic car payment. But, now, it was down $200.
I know that I can transfer money from one bank to the other but that does not always happen as quickly as I would need it to. I was convinced that I was going to have a rejected payment and another $34 fee (fees, which are out of control but, that’s another subject).
In time, I calmed myself and I was able to go and enjoy lunch. I can’t be sure but, I believe I was, at least, acceptable company.
Later that same day, I was texted about two transactions that had been made on my credit card with bank C. I declined them both and I didn’t really have any other choice but to order a new card. So, I did. Not long after that I declined three transactions that were meant to be taken from my checking account, account C, that I did not initiate. So, again, I ordered a new card.
I realized later, that would explain why the transaction about which I was very upset earlier had been taken from the second bank, bank E. The payment had been redirected to the other bank, E, who did not have a fraud issue at hand. Now, that all makes sense.
What doesn’t make sense is my anxiety level. earlier that morning. I sat back to think about what had been going on in my mind, at that time.
I heard my Nex (Narcissistic ex) reminding me how stupid I was to let this happen. The Nex, who was only present in my own mind, was angry. His face was red. He said ‘here we go again. Another rescue!’. ‘Another loop in the roller coaster that is my wife! Always. Always. How many? How many rescues do you need? This needs to stop.’
‘Stop this! Stop it! What’s the matter with you? Why do you let this happen’.
At this point I started to get anxious again so I redirected my attention to the “here and now”.
Question, where am I?
Answer, here with my man.
Question, what’s happening
Answer, he’s cooking.
Question, how do I feel about the here and now
Answer, calm. Or what should be calm. It took heavy breathing to make my way back to the real world. Breath
Question, are you calm now
Answer No, breath
Question are you calm now
Answer sorta, breath
Question are you calm now
Answer getting there and some deep breaths brought me to the calm I needed
I got up, gave my man a hug, and never spoke of the attack again. Now, just because I don’t say it out loud, doesn’t mean that it’s over. I spent hours trying to quiet my mind about the word let.
What does that word even mean? I wasn’t in control of the situation until after it had already happened. How, then, did I let them do anything? It occurred to me that was a word he used with me, often. Generally, regarding the children. I remember constantly arguing about why that word didn’t make sense. Eventually, I grew exhausted and chose to ignore it.
I thought it over until it was late enough to become bedtime. I’d like to say it kept me awake half the night but that’s one of the benefits of being highly sensitive. Sleep is my superpower. Out cold for 10 hours and I woke up with a clear heart.
The panic attack had worn me down both physically and emotionally. But, also, in the way of a sensory stimuli overload. The overload is exhausting but the sleep is a pleasant reward.
Today, let’s just take care of today.
I hear you,
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