I’m waking up this morning feeling stuck.
I started dating again, but it’s just too soon after the breakup. I waited patiently to hear from my man. I checked in one day and heard “I’ve been so busy over the last couple weeks I haven’t had time to think about us”. What does that mean? I mean, ouch, I guess.
For the last two weeks, I have missed him. I’ve been processing, I think, a variety of feelings all lumped together. I’m feeling so many things all at once and he is/was the only person I could turn to.
I think it means that I was far more invested in the relationship than he was.
Only a couple days later, when I thought about going on Facebook dating, I didn’t get very far because, as soon as I pulled up pictures, he was the first person I saw. So, that’s it 16 days later he was done and moving on.
For fourteen days, he couldn’t think, and he thought for two days more and then moved on.
I can’t imagine how well he’s doing. What’s he thinking? How does he truly feel? Or does he really feel nothing at all?
Since this is my first real relationship, this becomes my first real break up. I have no clue what is or isn’t reasonable. Am I wrong to be hurt? Or should I be hurt? Am I entitled to my feelings?
I’m thinking about going back up the hill again to see how much more wood I can get.
I have sold the car. I’m not going to get as much for it as I thought I would, so I won’t be able to make up any of the deficit with the iou I have with the landlord. I will however, have saved myself $427 a month and I’m hoping that will at least help me to catch up.
Once I catch up on that, perhaps it’ll give me time to get my own affairs in order, increase my credit score, and get a smaller car at a better interest rate.
I feel like that little 10-year-old girl that I used to be hanging out in my room alone with music or a paper and pen. There’s nobody here for me to share with. Just the paper and pen.
I guess the fact that I think I know what I’m feeling should be a good thing. I was never taught to process feelings. I guess this will have to be my next go at it.
I feel bad about the way that I’ve acted over the last six weeks. I’ve had three anxiety attacks and a downward spiraling panic attack that has left me going back-and-forth between aware and numb. At least now, I’m going back-and-forth. Originally, I would have been just plain numb.
I feel like I’m moving away from the numb.
After 50 years of being dismissed and having my feelings diminished, I really just hated being ignored. I hated it. I’ve always been ignored. I know the meaning of that word easily. It was humiliating, both then and now.
I suppose, I felt that, after three years, he should have understood what I would have been going through. As I always say, though, no one lives inside my head, so until I say it out loud, I can’t assume anybody knows anything. I still think my behavior was something that could and should have been predicted.
Perhaps, he has just plain, ordinarily, moved on. It hurts me to believe that but.....
Maybe our relationship was just, for him, not what it was for me. Not sure what feeling that leaves behind but it’s not a good one.
All I can do at this point is breathe. Sit with the feeling and breathe.
We hear you,
deMichelle
WIGT, WIGT
Buy now - off the Dance Floor
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