I need to write this while its happening simply because its happening. I am much calmer, now, but, I have had such a variety of feelings. I feel like writing the book has set some things free and my mind moves from one thought to another nonstop. One mood to another.
I get angry and I rant, out loud, until I collapse into tears and curl up in a fetal position. The fetal position leaves me with no room to breathe and I go into a panic.
Eventually, I remember to breathe my way through it to come to a conclusion. I’m relieved, then, that its over and, boom, now, I’m pissed.
Right now I’m numb but I know more is coming. I had two gin and sodas and that’s helping a bit. Taking the edge off. My meditation is soothing, as well.
I checked out over the rape. That vision jumped up and bit me as if I’d never talked about it before. I have, in therapy, and I thought it had been resolved. At least to a manageable level. Nope. Ouch. Everything stopped.
I’m here writing as much as I remember but it’s just that, a memory.
*****
I’m glad I started this post when I did because that panic cycle was insane.
If the words of the book isn’t responsible for this, it’s been a trigger.
We’ve become close and we’ve talked often about all of the ghosts in our closet. Right now I can’t be sure but I thought it at some point during the revolution of emotions I just explained.
Maybe I’m not completely numb tho. I feel I don’t even know.
I feel something but it has never been given an identity. I’ve felt it before but stuffed it down. I couldn’t say out loud what it was that I was feeling because I didn’t know.
And, the most prominent memory I have of those past years is ‘You’re so sensitive”.
I suppose I could go on about the litany that followed but I’m tired of reliving the negativity. Its done. Its over. I wish I knew what this feeling was. I think that maybe I am just plain tired now. I’m going to lay down.
*****
Yes, tired is the right definition. I wasn’t able to sleep but I found myself fantasizing about a wedding. THAT would bring them all together, wouldn’t it? But my thoughts went beyond that to the vows. I’ve had some really good ideas and I think it would be fun.
I think I’d wear black because I have lived through so verymuch darkness. It would represent the survivor in me.
I want desperately to text Tom and begin my apology but, I should wait. To be sure. But, I’m sure.
This is not one of my finer moments.
We hear you,
deMichelle
WIGT, WIGT….what I’m going through while I’m going through it
Buy now - off the Dance Floor
Comments