Today has been a difficult day. I met a new guy at the bidwell at 11:00 for lunch. We talked we laughed we had a good time. He, however, spent much time believing he had found Tommys flaw.
“Isn’t that controlling?”
“That’s a bit demanding.”
I saw it for what it was and knew this would be the last date. He also was very big on kissing, as if that was more important than anything we could say.
Then I came home and wished Tommy were here, but he wasn’t.
I know that I’m a little afraid of dying alone. I’m afraid that Tommy will be surrounded by love.
Nobody will ever be my Tommy. Nobody will ever have even half the enthusiasm that my Tommy does. I wish I had the opportunity to explain to Tommy that things with me aren’t right. That I’m going through something. That the person making decisions for me, me, is confused, indecisive, misguided.
I would say “Please don’t be hurt by that person. She loves you as much as I do. She just doesn’t understand.”
I understand though. I know that I have just lost everything in my world that matters.
Sadly, all that I’ve ever wanted was to matter. To matter to Tommy in a way that is equal to the relationships he has with Voya and the boys.”
When I chose no contact, I had Tom. I didn’t foresee that, given the chance, he would just completely abandon me. I’ve said I’m sorry. He is unforgiving.
“I don’t want to be his dirty little secret. The one that he hides away from his ‘everyone’.
A text message from Racquel, cool, I don’t matter. The boys about baseball, cool, I don’t matter. Doesn’t anybody out there understand what these words mean? Why they mean something that some of us find important. Something we need. But, shoulder shrugs instead.
I’m feeling overwhelmed and exhausted because I can not find the right words which would speak for me.
We Hear You!
DeMichelle
WIGT, WIGT
Buy now - off the Dance Floor
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