Fear

Updated: May 24

I hate being alone! My man went out with the boys last night and I found myself feeling frightened. I knew that, because of my history, feeling safe is something that I’ve never felt. I can say that I don’t feel safe but, truly, I have no idea how safe would even feel.

Codependency initiated by events at my birth were not anything over which I had control. Having been molested at a tender age was disorienting. It was a subject that, in my day, we didn’t openly discuss. My subsequent promiscuity was a response to knowing that the only way to get a man’s attention was to let him have his way. This, no surprise, precipitated rape.

The consequences to my emotional self was immeasurable as there was no basis for comparison. Who would I have become without those trials?

One thing that I can substantiate is my ability to become numb. On the day of the rape and intermittently thereafter I removed my mind from my emotional self in order to survive my current strife.

Throughout my Narcissistic marriage and during 2 separate bank robbery’s, nobody was home. Meaning, I felt nothing. I don’t believe that it’s possible to describe. Things happened to me and, long after, I returned to my body being expected to process feelings that I never even felt.

These days, through the sense of logic, I understand the cause and effect. However, I will never know who I would have been if…….


Still, I hate being alone. I always have and I always will. That fear is very real.

I know that I must let go of how I might have expected my world to have evolved and justify loving the life that now is mine instead.


I hear you,

deMichelle



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Off the Dance Floor: The First Heat - Kindle edition by ,deMichelle. Literature & Fiction Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


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